Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
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[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?