Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
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My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.