My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
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I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
*checks Timeline*…
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes