LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
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My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
no
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Good morning y’all ☀️
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.