Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
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*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.