Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
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Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.