I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
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In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.