Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
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Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Um … Hot Wings please
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
I painted a hot chick with big jugs