Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
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Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Love is in the air fryer.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.