I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
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The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?