Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
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men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture