Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
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“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
car not found
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
#TopTip
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…