Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
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Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?