Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
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My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35