Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
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*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.