My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
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My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Never forget.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
jesus, what did this guy do
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*