Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
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What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.