My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
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In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Support your local cemetery
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]