before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
My plans: 2020:
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own