You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
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Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree