why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
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They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..