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[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Netflix and scream at our children?!
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
So we got a goldfish…
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”