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I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing