Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
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I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Lmao
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.