Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
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I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down