My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
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Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.