If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
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I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
LOL!
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?