my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
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Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
He just like my cat fr