Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
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Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”