Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
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Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.