It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
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“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Found the job I’m suited for
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*