Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
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sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
This dude got his own movie?
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?