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New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.