What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
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Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma