*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
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[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
listen closely
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.