Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
You Might Also Like
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
what it’s like dating me:
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
british sex workers really pound for pound
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.