Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
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The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
🙋♀️
ok like just. call me at this point
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.