Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
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If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
The opposite of goth is stopth.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought