9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
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[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.