God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
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This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Rambo Rambow
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.