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French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”