If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
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[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
This took me a second..
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang