me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
A Short Story.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?