Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
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The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
I’ll stick with papa johns 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
At least he tried.. twice.. 馃槄
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they鈥檙e going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I鈥檓 wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.