Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
You Might Also Like
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
IT’S-A ME,