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Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?