M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
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Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Bread puns are on the rise!
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
This is I, Robot all over again
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
A collection of me turning into random objects.