*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
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her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.