I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
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Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?