50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
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“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us